As everyting dey now, sometimes I go tink weda make me and my family go pack for Lagos and go back to my village for Ogbomoso.

All dis wahala wey show face for Naija, na we taxi driver dey suffer am pass.

But di ting be say, any time I tink make I go back to village, better ting go show face for Lagos.

See like yesterday wey one passenger take me for drop go Ojota, as we jus reach Oregun, come see as everybody dey run like say lion dey pursue dem.

All di car for road take revise, people wey dey waka begin do Ben Johnson. Everywhere jus scatter. Olorun Oba o!

Me sef put my guonguoro for revise kia kia. Who wan peme?

Na after later we hear say dem dey do riot from Mile 12 to Ojota becos of naira or no naira.

My passenger say make we dey go, say noting go happen. I tell am say Oga, if dem send you come, go tell dem say you no see me, say I no dey, I don travel. Shioo!

In fact, I come down, open di passenger door, and tell di man to come down. E ask me what of my money, I tell am say I dash am, after all we no reach Ojota wey e say make I go drop am.

As I say make I begin drive back to our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge, na im one sisi stop me. I match break fiiaaamm. Di sisi come for my window side, bend down, e remain small sef make e put im mouth for my mouth.

My eye come make mistake see di two apple wey dis sisi carry for chest as di cloth wey e wear no jus cover anyting. Di two apple jus tanda paparapa like Standard Bank, and na so my body come dey shake like Shakespeare. I come use style lick my mouth, na so di sisi come smile. Na dat one finish me patapata. Tori Olorun!

Quick, quick I open di front passenger door make di sisi enter. I forgot say I never ask di sisi wia e dey go and how much e go pay.

As I jus put my guonguoro for gear one, di sisi use im left hand begin rub my kini. I look im legs wey e don open down, Ewo! Di legs jus dey shine nwai nwai like mirror. My broda, I weak.

Na dat time di sisi tell me say na Pen Cinema e dey go. Before we reach Pen Cinema, di sisi don rub me tire.

Small time we reach Pen Cinema, and di ting come pain me, no be small. I come talk am for my mind say we for jus continue di sweet rub rub dey go.

When I match break, di sisi smile, open door, come down and wave me bye bye.

Na so I jus stay for steering, dey look anya anya as di sisi dey shake im nyash dey go.

Wia I see mouth to take ask am for money? Na im be say e don pay in kind be dat nah.

But sha, wen some people dey riot dey kill demsef becos of naira or no naira, me, I dey enjoy for inside my guonguoro.

Make we jam again next wek Tuesday.

Tank you

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigerian media, since 1994.