Di kind letter dem wey man pikin dey receive dis days na wao-o.

Na so my torchlight chinko phone dey hot everyday – from morning till morning.

Now, I dey charge my phone battery per second per second becos of message.

You go jus dey hear pree. Small time again pree. I go say make I rest small na pree. Even wen I dey drive my guonguoro for highway, na so I go hear pree. Tori Olorun!

All dis people no let my chinko phone rest for one minute. How dem take get my number, I no know. Sote my phone number don become public toilet wey everybody dey use.

Na im I say make I take style show una some of di letter today, after dat yeye Philo own wey nearly put me for wahala last week. I no know why imsef no fit send im own letter for phone.

Dear OGA MAT,

You be real Ogbologbo, I swear.

Anytime I read your tori, na so my body go begin shake like shakespear and my my kini go come stand paparapa like Standard Bank. I come talk am for my mind say na which kind African Insurance dis Ogbomosho man dey put for mouth wey dey make im tori sweet like dis.

I bow for you-o!

Jane Nnaji

Milverton Street,

Aba, Abia State

Dear OGA MAT,

How your woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke?

Make you hold dat your second pikin Funke well well o before e put you for wahala. Im eye too tear. As e see di letter wey dat yeye Philo give you fall down from your breast pocket, why e no jus pick am give you and keep quiet? Instead e come dey ask you question make im mama hear. Na wa for Funke o.

Tank Eledumare say you sef sharp gan, if no be so, hmm, Bose your wife for show you pepper. Tori Olorun!

Kemi Ajanaku

Apapa Road

Onyigbo, Lagos.

Dear OGA MAT,

I don dey talk am tele tele say, you go soon become di Presido for una garage union and from dia you fit take style win election enter Aso Rock.

Yes now! After all, Presido na Presido – weda garage presido abi na gofmen presido. Abi I lai? But wait-o, if you enter Aso Rock with Bose and your two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke – for wia you go come keep your Siki Babe and Iyabode your Mobile Buka sisi? Aisha and Jumoke dey one corner o.

Abi you go turn Aso Rock to Ipodo?

But I no mind make you give me N1OOm make I follow go pick form for you and talk say na your passenger dem contribute buy di form for you.

How you see am?

Abdul Sani

P.T.F.S

Kaduna.

Dear OGA MAT,

A beg, e get as you go fit take anoder picture put for dat your page ? Dat your guonguoro photo get as e be. Di motor don hear nwi for your hand since 1965 wey you don begin use am for Lagos road.

But di ting be say, di tori wey you dey nack too dey sweet, sote nobody dey get time to look di photo. I no come know how my eye go see am today.

Edwin Osagie

Sapoba Hill

Benin City.

Dear OGA MAT,

Di order day, I come wait for you ti ti ti for una garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge, you no jus show face. I come talk am for my mind say weda you don go take your Usual dat early morning for Madam Shine Buka. Di time na 9 o’clock a.m. in di morning.

But one of your union member tell me say you go drop one passenger like dat for Isale Eko. Wen I hear say di passenger wey you carry go na sisi, na im I take style vamus. I know say as monkey go market so, to come back na wahala. I know say one day, one day we go jam. I really wan see you becos e dey one important ting wey I wan make we nyan. Dis phone SMS no do me.

I be sweet babe-o! You get?

Monica Edem

Aka Road, Uyo,

Akwa Ibom State

My people, una no see say I need PA wey go dey hold my phone and helep me answer all dis letter dem?

Abeg, if you be sisi wey everyting for body still stand paparapa, both front and back, make you apply kia kia.

Make we jam again on Tuesday.

Tank you

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog.