My people, make una see dis letter wey one sisi like dat come drop for me di order day for our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge.

Follow me read di letter and tell me wetin be di main di main ting wey di sisi dey find:

My dear OGA MAT,

I trowey salute!

Me, I be person wey like your column well well. In fact, na your special column dey make me always load data for my iPhone every Wednesday and Saturday.

Di way you dey take nack tori about all di orisirisi tings wey dey shele for Lagos road, I fancy am gan. But e get wetin I expect make you tell us. Di ting na about Sikiratu your sweet heart.

You don gist us teletele say you wan make Sikiratu follow dey do cinema for Nollywood. Which one you dey now wey we no come hear how you take go? I don open ear and mouth dey wait di tori tire since den but no show.

Abeg wen you wan nack di tori, tell us why you tink say Sikiratu no qualify to follow do cinema. Abi e no fine reach or e no go school? Abi na becos e be buka girl, or becos e be your personal sisi na im make you no value am?

My people dey talk am say, prophet no get respect for im village.

Sha, we put ear for ground dey wait.

How your Iyawo Bose and your two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke?

Helep me greet Jimoh your union chairman, your sweet heart Siki Babe, and all your well wisher dem.

Tank you.

Philo Babe.

Shey una see say dis sisi wan put sand sand for my garri. Which one e dey call Sikiratu my sweet heart? Sote e come change di name wey im mama give am. E come call am Siki Babe. Tori Olorun!

To say di sisi wey write dis letter put im address, I for find am go warn am well well. Anyway sha, e fit be say im address na under Obalende bridge.

To say I no fast dat day wey I get dis letter, my house for catch fire. I don forgot say I put di letter for my breast pocket wen I read am finish for garage.

Wen I reach house dat night, my guonguoro key fall down for parlour. As I bend down to pick di key, my broda, dis letter jus jump comot for pocket.

Na my second woman pikin Funke wey im eye dey move like video camera see am. E say daddy what kind paper fall down so? I tell am say na my guonguoro particulars wey I go renew dat morning.

Before im mama look am twice, I don pick di letter run inside bedroom. Make una see me see troublem o!

I talk say I go carry Sikiratu go Nollywood. Eh, I never go now, na by force? Why you come bring dis kind letter come our garage?

I sure say di ting wey dey for dis Philo mind na to first scater me and Sikiratu. No be say e too like Sikiratu o.

Wen e don scater us finish, e go come make sure say walala enter my house. Dat time, e go use style enter me. Olorun maje!

Anybody wey sabi dis Philo, make una helep me tell am say im plan no work. Tell am to try anoder style.

Make we jam again on Friday.

Tank you.

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog