“You stupid woman!”

“You yeye man!”

“I go drive you comot for my house!”

“You no fit, lai lai!”

“Make you born anoder woman for dis your yeye belle wey you dey carry so, na dat time you go see my red eye!”

“Shey, na me cause am, I be God?”

Na di noise wey wake me up dat early morning be dat-o! Di only day wey I say make I been wan rest small.

But na around 4.00 o’clock am in di morning I begin hear di noise.

Before, I tink say na for dream e happen. Small time, I hear person run come begin nack my door. As e dey nack am, na so e dey shout “Oti pa mi o! Ewa ran mi lowo o!” (e don kill me o, make una come helep me o for im hand o!).

I jump comot for bed, before I open door sef, Mama Risikatu, our nebor, don dive inside my bedroom go hide under bed.

E tie im last pikin wey e born for March dis year for back, hold di second one wey be 1 year plus for chest, and di first pikin wey never cross 2 years jus dey run dey follow am for back. Plus di 3-month belle wey e dey carry. Tori Olorun!

As Baba Risi wan dash enter my bedroom with mortar for hand, I grab am for waist. Di bobo no fit move again. Na dat time I sabi say I still get small power upon say dis my taxi driver work dey make me tire every day.

Dat morning, me and my wife Bose come turn to Chief Judge. Our house don become customary court be dat.

But di ting wey pain me be say, wen I ask Mama Risi wetin happen, e go say make I ask Baba Risi, and wen I ask Baba Risi, e go say make I ask Mama Risi. Na so dem take us do turn turn turner.

I come ask Mama Risi say, if na so, why e run come my house? But at last di woman come talk wetin cause di wahala.

Baba Risi dey curse im wife say na so so woman pikin e dey born for am every year. And di man wan do di kini dat early morning but di woman tell am say o ti o!, no be say wen e don do finish and e born woman pikin, e go begin curse am.

Na im me and Bose come tell Baba Risi make e no kill im wife for noting, say di ting na give and take, and you no fit sow cassava and reap cocoyam. We tell am make e go back with im wife, go do im home work well.

Na so we take settle Baba Risi and im wife and dem come tank us well well.

Sleep no wan enter my eye again. I look time, 6 o’clock am in di morning don nack. Na im I put my guonguoro for road, begin go our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge.

Di ting wey come dey tink dat day be say, why some people dey tink like dat? So woman pikin no be pikin? After all, I know plenty woman pikin dem wey better pass man pikin one million time.

So, if person born Area Boy, na im be say e don get man pikin be dat. If everybody born man pikin, na who all dose man pikin dem go come marry?

Me, I tank Eledumare for my two woman pikin – Bisi and Funke. I dey always pray make dem become someting for future so dat dem go helep me and dia mama wen we don dagba well well.

Na im make I no dey take Bisi and Funke school matter play rarara. Even as I stop for Standard 5 for night school for my village for Ogbomoso before I run come Lagos.

Wen I reach house dat night, Baba Risi come tank me again. After, e come tell me say e get wetin e wan tell me. I say go on saun.

E say na im broder wey dey for America write am letter say make e find wife for am, say e dey come home dis December. E tell me say na Bisi, my first pikin, e wan give im broder marry.

I look dis man up, look am down, I tell am say if e no disappear before I open my eye, e go blame imsef. Weda e tink say I dey for all dis America photo marry. By di way, na who go dey born woman pikin for am to take dey distribute wen im no like woman pikin? Baba Oshi! Oloribruku!

Make we jam agin on Friday.

Tank you

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog