My torchlight chinko phone don suffer.

Di kind letter dem wey man pikin dey receive dis days na wao-o.

Na so my torchlight chinko phone dey hot everyday – from morning till morning.

Now, I dey charge my phone battery per second per second becos of message.

You go jus dey hear pree. Small time again pree. I go say make I rest small na pree. Even wen I dey drive my guonguoro for highway, na so I go hear pree. Tori Olorun!

All dis Lagos sisi dem no let my chinko phone rest for one minute. How dem take get my number, I no know. Sote my phone number don become public toilet wey everybody dey use. Na wa o!

Na im I say make I take style show una some of di letter today:

Dear OGA MAT,

You be real Ogbologbo, I swear!

Anytime I read your tori, na so my body go begin shake like shakespear and my kini go come wet patapata. I come talk am for my mind say na which kind African Insurance dis Ogbomosho man dey put for mouth wey dey make im tori sweet like dis?

I bow for you-o!

Jane Nnaji

Milverton Street,

Aba, Abia State

Dear OGA MAT,

I love you no be small

Dis weekend, I wan tell you wetin dey for my mind straight. I love you, no be small. Which day make I come meet you for your garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge? Everyday I come Ikeja, my mind dey always say make I branch, but I no know weda or wedan’t you don carry passenger go for drop or charter. But di long and short of wetin I wan tell you be say, I dey kampe. If you see my front and back, you must to swallow saliva. I wan make me and you jam for ‘short time’ one day or TDB. Dat day, you no go remember your wife Bose again lai lai. If I lie, make I stand naked baf for bafroom.

Kemi Ajanaku

Apapa Road

Onyigbo, Lagos.

Dear OGA MAT,

I don dey talk am tele tele say, you go soon become di Presido for una garage union and from dia you fit take style win election enter Aso Rock.

Yes now! After all, Presido na Presido – weda garage presido abi na gofment presido. Abi I lai? But wait-o, if you enter Aso Rock with Bose and your two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke – for wia you go come keep your Siki Babe and Iyabode your Mobile Buka sisi? Aisha and Jumoke dey one corner o. And remember say me sef dey o.

Abi you go turn Aso Rock to Ipodo?

How you see am?

Aisha Abdullahi

P.T.F.S

Kaduna.

Dear OGA MAT,

A beg, e get as you go fit take anoder picture put for dat your page inside MATILDA SHOWBIZ? Dat your guonguoro photo get as e be. Di motor don hear nwi for your hand since 1965 wey you don begin use am for Lagos road.

But di ting be say, di tori wey you dey nack too dey sweet, sote nobody dey get time to look di photo. I no come know how my eye go see am today.

I wan make you put your new photo so dat I go dey kiss am every night before I sleep. I wan to dey dream of you.

Confidence Osagie

Sapoba Hill

Benin City.

Dear OGA MAT,

Di order day, I come all di way from Akwa Ibom, come wait for you ti ti ti for una garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge, you no jus show face. I come talk am for my mind say weda you don go take your Usual dat early morning for Madam Shine Buka. Di time na 9 o’clock a.m. in di morning. I take night bus come from my state.

But one of your union member tell me say you go drop one passenger like dat for Isale Eko. Wen I hear say di passenger wey you carry go na sisi, na im I take style vamus. I know say as monkey go market so, to come back na wahala. I know say one day, one day we go jam. I really wan see you becos e dey one important ting wey I wan make we nyan before I go back to my state. Dis phone SMS no do me.

I be sweet babe-o! You get?

Monica Edem

Aka Road, Uyo,

Akwa Ibom State

My people, una no see say I need PA wey go dey hold my phone and helep me answer all dis letter dem?

Abeg, if you be sisi wey everyting for body still stand paparapa, both front and back, make you apply kia kia.

Make we jam again next week Tuesday.

Tank you

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog.