See me, see wahala-o. How people go take hear say after di Sallah, man pikin don peme? Olorunmaje! I reject am patapata. Tufiakwa!

Di order day, our Union chairman Jimoh say make e follow me go my house wey dey for Abule Egba but I use style discharge am. I sure say Jimoh dey find wia e go siddon till midnight make all im pikin dem wey come ask am for school fees go finish.

Jimoh own too much. No area for Lagos wey e no get wife, and na so dem dey born orisirisi pikin dem full everywia. Now, to maintain di pikins and dia mama na wahala. Na im make Jimoh no dey ever close and go im house direct.

As I discharge Jimoh dat day, di next day Akpan, our union member, say e wan make I follow am go im house for Bolade Oshodi. I ask am wetin dey happen for im house. E say im jus wan entertain me. I ask am weda today na im birthday, e say no, but na me be im best friend for our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge.

I come talk am for my mind say na wetin dis Akwa Ibom man wan from me wey make am tune me like radio? Akpan wey be say woman na im blood tonic. Shey no be say e wan do friend friend with me becos my two woman pikin dem, Bisi and Funke, don dey mature?

I come decide say anywia, any one wey Akpan dey, me I dey dia too. After all, im sef get 3 woman pikin wey even mature pass Bisi and Funke.

As we reach Akpan house, I come see say all im family don travel go Akwa Ibom for dat Sallah long holiday. I say no wonder!

Na im we settle down. Akpan bring wine put for table. After dat, e enter kitchen go bring pepper soup. Wen e open am, I come see say di pepper soup face get as e be. E be like say di bobo sabi wetin dey for my mind.

E come tell me say di peper soup good for man body. Say if I chop am finish, I no go ever take eye see Malaria again for my house lai lai. E say na 404 spare parts pepper soup e be. Dat for inside dia, bacacel dey, plus including headlamp, gear box, front wheel, fuel tank, telephone wire, etc etc.

I no know say all dis na dog meat parts e dey talk so o! Tank God say I never even touch di plate before e begin talk am.

My broda, I weak. Even di wine wey e bring, I no gree touch am again. How I sure say no be dog spare parts dem take do di wine sef? Olorun maje!

Di next ting be say, I tell Akpan say since im house dey free, make I rush go bring two fine sisi dem wey go follow us enjoy. Wen Akpan hear dat one, im head scatter. E say make I quick quick go bring di sisi dem. Na so I take vamus o!

As I drive dey go, I still dey tink how person wey im mama born, go use dog meat do peper soup. So dis ting wey I dey hear about Calabar and Ondo people na real true.

Di next ting be say I hear pprruuaarrhh! I come loss control. Tipper don hit me for side be dat. I match brake fiiiaaammm. I open door and come down. Di tipper driver wan escape but people hold am, begin beat am so-te blood begin flow like River Benue for im nose. Tori Olorun!

Di tipper driver come beg me well well. I come pity am, I say make e dey go before e peme. Wen di bobo don go, na dat time I see say e damage my guonguoro, no be small.

Di ting wey wan kill me now na my guonguoro wey I dey take give my family food.

Di tings wey damage na my headlamp, gear box, bacacel, front wheel and bonnet.

A beg anybody wey fit helep me with any original spare part, make e no waste time to send am for me. No be like Akpan dog spare parts-o. And Eledumare go bless una one million time a day. Say Amin!

Make we jam again next week Tuesday.

Tank you.

Tank you very much.

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog.