See me, see wahala o! If to say I no quick off my torchlight chinko phone, na so my wife Bose for take style see all dis sms wey people send me concerning wetin Sikiratu tell me.

Make una follow me read di orisirisi sms:

Dear Oga MAT,

I no know why you come dey disturb us for di matter wey concern you and Sikiratu. Di time wey di two both of you start to do lovi lovi, we dey dia? Why you come ask us to tell you wetin you go do now wey di buka girl say e wan marry you but you must to sack your wife Bose? Na you use your hand take start am, and na you go know how you go take end am. Chikena!

— Bimbo Balogun

Surulere, Lagos

Dear Oga MAT,

You make me laugh gan. Sikiratu tell you say e no like di bobo wey wan marry am for new year, say na you e like but e no wan be second wife. How dis una lovi lovi ting take concern me nah?

Di girl don kukuma give you conditionality like IMF:

“Allow me marry, or sack your wife and marry me!” Make you choose one. Kikikiki!!!

—Paul Obidiegwu

Enugu

Dear Oga MAT,

If na me be you, I go sack Bose and marry Sikiratu. After all, Bose na old cargo wey no dey even allow you touch am for night. Sikiratu na chassis wey everyting for im body still stand like Standard Bank.

— Emem Udosen

Uyo, Akwa Ibom State

Dear Oga MAT,

If I see dat Sikiratu, I for give am one dirty knock like dat for im olodo head. How young girl go see young bobo wey wan marry am, e come be say na agbalagba like you wey don born im mate, e come gum body? Dat buka girl head no correct fa.

— Abdullahi Mustapha

Gombe

Dear Oga MAT,

Dat Sikiratu na real bush girl, I swear! Wetin concern am weda or wedan't you don marry? If you like, marry 10 wife dem before me, I go still marry you if you dey do me well. Before Siki Babe go talk say e like you pass di young bobo wey wan marry am for new year, e know how you dey take service im kini. Even dough you dey always talk say na only for dream you dey do am. Story, story...!

— Lucy Osas

Benin City

Dear Oga MAT,

E be like say na African Insurance you use wey make all dose Lagos sisi dem dey die for you. Aisha na you. Abosede na you. Jumoke nko? Na you. Now Sikiratu dey beg you make you marry am as e like you pass di young bobo wey don ready to marry am for new year. No wonder your wife Bose dey always talk say dis your taxi driver work na ashewo work. But make I talk true, me sef wan meet you wen I come Naija for odun. Shey you go come carry me with your guonguoro wen I land for Ikeja airport next week?

— Philomena Ejiro

New York City, USA

My people, una see di kind sms wey Bose for see if to say I dull dat morning? Olorunmaje!

Make we jam again on Tuesday.

Tank you

Tank you very much

And tank you very, very much indeed.