We desire to love and be loved, cherished and respected. Any one single knows that. The need for love is amplified when one sees couples in love. One feels very lost. The desire for love and companionship should, of course, not override common sense, the absence of which renders one vulnerable to opportunists and exploiters and to a pretentious, ceremonial marriage, full of disappointments and betrayals.

However, one fundamental question that comes to mind is: What mechanisms in the quest for a loving relationship do singles employ to liberate love and capture deception in a psychological filter?

This is an outline of Umm Sulaim’s criteria of needs and submissions, with the most important first.

Care and Compassion

The key to the love filter is mutual care and compassion between the interested parties and its essence is love for Allah. Care and compassion must be mutual, in addition to compatibility of interests and thoughts, the acceptability of the prospect of marriage and sharing a life together.

Note that though care and compassion open the door to attraction and compatibility, they may exist independently of shared interests and thoughts. Some young ladies state that marriage to someone who loves one is better than marriage to someone whom one loves. There is some truth in that, but for the crucial issue of companionship and residency.

How can a woman live with a spouse in whose company she is not totally comfortable and to whom she bears little or no attraction? She may want a man who spends more off-duty time at home and the man may be someone who only comes home to bed and, sometimes, for a meal. Or she may want someone who makes her laugh and the man may not have a sense of humour. If the two components – mutual care and compassion – are not present, the discussion comes to an abrupt, but courteous end.

Love for Allah has been placed secondary to care and compassion with valid reasons:

*Very few nuptial hopefuls will volunteer their true intention and admit Allah is not pivotal in their life; and

*Love for Allah is frequently misconstrued to signify endurance of hurt and neglect.

It is incomprehensible that love, hurt, selfishness, and abandonment can coexist in harmony.

Culture and Family

Under normal circumstances, these are one’s private business, or better, private headache, and should not be considered. In a relationship, the spouse's family and culture are crucial factors to peace and, thus, must be considered.

A man brought up in a meddling, gossip family or culture will have a tough time keeping his family and ethnic group in check, assuming he intends to keep them from causing problems in his new home. In such a situation, there must be a null or low risk of familial or cultural interference in one’s marriage.

This is most critical, as by this one acknowledges that the source of conflict may not be limited to the couple, but is a suffocating ocean of in-laws and tribesmen.

Other considerations are:

1. Marital status – He must be single.

2. Earnings – He should be innovative and versatile, a hardworking man who knows why he is working – for his family – and knows when to relax and enjoy the fruits of the day’s efforts.

3. Presence of a child – especially, in cultural societies. One does not want to be the wicked step-mother.

4. Age – He should be alive!

5. Weight and height – No extended abdomen! And taller.

This is a case of too many interested men, too few interesting men!

There are, of course, some Muslim women who will not hear of us seeking happiness and would rather we married a selfish wretch, so we can share their sense of abandonment.

Umm Sulaim’s desire for a prince charming prompted a woman, whose husband neglected alone in a maternity ward during the birth of his own child as he hates to see blood, to quickly post that instead, I should make Allah King of my heart. I was furious and informed her that Allah is already King of my entire existence and not just of my heart.

Seeking a man who respects us and does not think only of himself when we need his support does not contradict our love for Allah. Had she gone into labour, strolling, and received no assistance from passersby, we should have been censured for that.

May Allah forbid it occurred in a non-Muslim neighbourhood; a worldwide campaign would have ensued on how the hatred non-Muslims show towards Islam propelled them against coming to the aid of a Muslim woman in labour. Her own husband did it to her and she has mouth for me; individuals who have greater proficiency running the private lives of others.

Misery seeks to recruit more individuals to misery. Be sure to make self-unavailable for such recruitment. As for me, I will certainly not sign any conscription to torment.

What is the difference between a married woman who was uncared for by the one person who should be her first and last fortress as well as the last man standing and someone such as myself who live alone and have to fend for myself despite ill-health conditions, besides the former being screwed, in bed and out, by a man!

As I wrote to a dear male friend, D.A.B., I shall rather be single and happy than married and miserable. Allah’s Aid, Protection and Love of us do not require we lose our senses and enter into or remain in the wrong relationship. The right relationship is enriched with love, care and compassion. To all singles, seek love but, equally important, seek compatibility.

There is someone special for us; we should seek our prince charming with much patience and prayer.

•Umm Sulaim is the Publisher of Umm Sulaim’s Thoughts (https://iamummsulaim.wordpress.com)

Copyright © 2019 Umm Sulaim. All rights reserved.

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