Marriage counsellors, Seun Ladokun and Ibitayo Ladokun, have identified lack of understanding, unhealthy comparisons, poor preparation before marriage and unrealistic expectations as some of the major reasons many Nigerian marriages fail.

The couple spoke on relationship dynamics, love, conflict, personality differences and pre-marital counselling during their appearance on Vanguard’s podcast show, The Nigerian Meter.

Speaking about the importance of preparation before marriage, Ibitayo stressed that many people ignore critical conversations and compatibility assessments, relying solely on emotions and attraction.

“A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. It is better at that stage to let go,” she said.

According to her, proper pre-marital counselling gives intending couples the opportunity to understand hidden issues before committing to marriage.

“So, pre-marital counselling and going through the process of knowing each other and allowing someone to look at the issues for both of you and bringing them to the open so that both of you can decide where we are going and when we will get there,” she explained.

Ibitayo added that compatibility assessments, such as personality tests and love language evaluations, can help couples better understand themselves and each other before marriage.

“There are many assessments to do before marriage. Love language is there, personality test is there. When you do all of these things, what does it do? It gives you understanding about yourself and about the person you are seeing, and you can ask yourself, ” Am I ready to go on with this kind of character?” she said.

Her husband, Seun, also emphasised that many marital conflicts stem from a failure to understand personality differences between partners.

“Marriage is understanding one another. When you understand one another, you will know how to effectively relate with one another,” he stated.

Explaining further, Seun said many spouses create unnecessary pressure in marriage by comparing their partners with other people.

“Someone who is naturally introverted, you won’t expect the person to behave in an extroverted manner,” he said.

“If I am having an expectation that my friend who is extroverted, who is a sanguine, for example, he is happy, he is funny, he jokes, so why is my own husband not like this?”

According to him, unrealistic expectations and comparisons often become the foundation of conflict and misunderstanding in relationships.

“If your husband is introverted or phlegmatic, for example, he can never be like that so when there is comparison, there is unnecessary pressure. So if you do not understand the wiring of who you are married to, that is the genesis of the problem,” Seun explained.

“That is why couples always have conflicts and misunderstandings, but if you understand the way they are wired, you will know how to drive them.”

Using an analogy to explain personality differences in marriage, Seun compared partners to different kinds of vehicles designed for separate purposes.

“The way I will drive a sports car is not the same way I will drive a truck. They are both very useful and effective in different ways,” he said.

“A sports car is designed for speed and fashion but it cannot carry things from one point to another. No matter how fashionable a truck is, it is a truck, it cannot act as a sports car.”

He advised couples to appreciate the strengths of their partners instead of forcing them into unrealistic expectations.

“If you are married to a truck, enjoy the weight the truck can carry, do not expect the truck to behave like a sports car,” he added.

Speaking further on love and commitment within marriage, Ibitayo noted that love evolves beyond emotions after marriage and gradually becomes sacrifice, consistency and deliberate action.

“When you are seeing each other, love is like a feeling, but when you marry, the love then transits from feeling to action. You start acting love,” she said.

“I tell people, love can become a habit in marriage. The more you practise love for a long time, it becomes a habit for you within the marriage.”

According to her, sustaining a healthy marriage often requires intentional sacrifice and daily commitment from both partners.

“Love within the marriage comes as a sacrifice. Love can become sacrifice, love is an action word, it is a verb when it comes to marriage,” she stated.

Ibitayo Ladokun is an engineer and project manager by training, an ideas strategist, an author and a life, marriage and intimacy coach, while Seun Ladokun is a conflict and negotiation strategist, mediator, counsellor and pastor.

The couple are also marriage mentors, raising three children together. (Vanguard)

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