By NDUKA UZUAKPUNDU

There are times when certain remarkably classy developments take place to the enrichment and happiness of American politics; that one does not need the clairvoyance of the French astrologer ? Nostradamus, who died in 1566 ? to predict that such would be repeated in golden future time.

When Abraham Lincoln who holds the democratic record of being the tallest American president, so far, was assassinated in 1865, there were many who knew that killing for political reason had come to stay. They were right. Lincoln was followed by James Garfield in 1881, William McKinley in 1901, and John Fitzgerald Kennedy on the November 22, 1963 in Dallas, in the battleground State of Texas. Kennedy?s assassination, by Lee Harvey Oswald, on Dealey Plaza, some historians have argued, could be likened to darkness at noon even though it took place thirty minutes after.

The assassinations of the four presidents took place within ninety-eight years. The first three presidents, who were assassinated, were lawyers and members of the Republican Party. Kennedy the first Catholic and youngest president of the United State of America, who was proudly a former journalist, was an author, member of the Democratic Party and the first billionaire to be a tenant at the White House. Undistorted statistics show that the Republican Party leads others in the United States of America as the one that has suffered most in the hands of Cain.

And, were those gruesome instances of assassinations were a crowd-pulling soccer contest, the score, at stoppage time, would have been Republican Party 3, Democratic Party 1. It?s almost stoppage time ? in this exchange of hostilities, by the titans, in American politics ? and, any moment from now, the centre referee, in the person of fleet-footed, seasoned George Walker Bush, would blow his whistle, signalling the end of this match that, one understands, is being viewed, on television, by an estimated 305 million viewers, world-wide. Yes, it?s all overrrrrrrr! He has done so! What a match!

Just as the Republicans have suffered most, in the hands of Cain, so, too ? in two hundred and forty-eight years of the independence of the United States of America, from imperial England, on July 4, 1776 ? have they produced the highest number of presidents of the country: 18. The Democratic Party: 16 ? including incumbent Joseph Robinett Biden Junior, who holds the record of having the longest name, in terms of characters.

And suppose the rivalry between the Republican Party and Democratic Party were a FIFA-sponsored World Cup final match, being staged in Harrisburg, the capital of the battleground State of Pennsylvania, the score, at almost forty-seven seconds to stoppage time, would have been Republican Party 18, Democratic Party 16. What a match! The first goal by the Democratic Party was scored in the eighth minute, via a spot kick by Martin van Buren ? a lawyer. The Republican Party scored an equalizer in the sixteenth minute, when lanky Abraham Lincoln, wearing jersey No. 16, on instruction from the party?s coach ? George Washington ? took advantage of a poorly-defended Democratic Party?s eighteen-yard box and barrelled the leather sphere from the centre circle.

Sam Victor Akpan (abadie) ? a great football commentator and an analyst with a good diction ? figured that the second penalty and two yellow cards that were awarded the Democratic Party were dubious! Eagle-eyed Adaeze Michael (idem mfo) ? a brilliant football analyst ? in a post-match conversation with Femi Obong Daniels (?Football, one game without violence?) ? said that, the Republican Party were profligate on five occasions ? in the 19th, 21st, 23rd, 29th and 43rd minutes ? right inside the eighteen-yard box. Said she: ?One won?t be surprised if, any moment, henceforward, the party?s coach ? Richard Milhous Nixon ? is forced to resign. For, to be true, there?s no justification for the Republicans to have wasted so much scoring chances in such a crucial fixture. Besides, the stats showed that, in terms of ball possession, it was Republican Party, 70%, Democratic Party 30%; shots on target, Republican Party, 80%, Democratic Party, 20%; corner kicks, Republican Party 7, Democratic Party 1; and accurate passe, Republican Party 73 percent, Democratic Party 27 percent. It was a match in which, in fairness, most of the questions were asked by the Republican Party, as they dominated all the departments, especially the mid-field!?

The four instances of assassinations were preceded by death, via illness, of William Howard Harrison ? the ninth president of the United State of America ? in 1841. He died of cold. He holds the record of being the first president of the United State of America to have died in office and to have spent the shortest time ? thirty days. He was followed by Zachary Taylor, in 1850; Warren Harding, an erudite and punctilious editor, in 1923; and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in 1945.

Beyond assassinations and natural deaths, it?s on record that United State of America has produced a president, who, once, was denied a second, four-year term in office, for whatever reason, but later came back. It was Grover Cleveland (1885 ? 1889), as the twenty-second president, and in 1893 ? 1897, as the twenty-fourth. He was a member of the Democratic Party. His come-back record, which has remained, for one hundred and thirty-two years, unbroken, would be matched, when president-elect, Donald Trump, of the Republican Party, assumes office, on Inauguration Day ? January 20, 2025.

According to Olatunji Dare, professor of mass communication and great journalist (alias ?governor?s penis busy?), come Inauguration Day, the rivalry between the Republican Party and Democratic Party would have assumed a frightening complexion of fierce power tussle, with a likelihood of redefining democracy, the American style. Said he: ?In the come-back match, the score, with less than forty-seven seconds, to stoppage time, would be Democratic Party 1, Republican Party 1. A draw! It sounds like association football pools result! Does it not! Both goals, it would be recalled, were scored, in the first half, via dubious spot kicks, at the 32nd and 38th minutes. It?s almost certain that the centre referee, who goes by the name Labalaba State (alias ?they ain?t seen no booboo yet?), would be sanctioned by Switzerland-based FIFA ? the world football governing body.?

Trump would be the forty-seventh president of the United State of America. In his first coming, which no one ? except Doug Casey, a starry-eyed pollster ? really prophesied, he was the forty-fifth. He lost his re-election bid, in 2019, to Joe Biden of the Democratic Party.

It?s, now, clear ? beyond every shadow of doubt ? that Trump is a women beater. It took his assaulting and flooring Hillary Rodham Clinton of the Democratic Party, in his first coming, to be shoved into the much-revered, sacred chamber of America?s democracy: the White House. It has taken his punching and flooring vice-president Kamala Harris ? as if he were Ken Norton, Marvin Hagler or Rocky Marciano ? to stage a come-back. In effect, said Olatunji Dare, ?The Republicans are a bundle of unrepentant misogynists. American women should unite and ensure that Trump is not sworn in, as the country?s forty-seventh president, on Inauguration Day. Except the Republicans were so punished, said Olatunji Dare, they would repeat, with a touch arrogance and entitlement, the same political crime of assaulting and flooring female presidential candidates of the Democratic Party, who are also luminous lawyers, come the next presidential election.

And, suppose, now, that the criminal habit of the Republican Party assaulting and flooring the Clintons and Harrises were an Olympic football final match, in Atlanta, in the battleground State of Georgia, the score, said Sam Victor Akpan, would have been Republican Party 2, Democratic Party nil. ?And it?s all overrrr! Yes, it?s all overrrr! The Republicans have won, against all predictions and expectations,? said Chuma Nnoli ? a glowing football commentator ? gushingly.

The victory by the Republicans has a Cadmean touch to it. The full-time score is well against the run of play.

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