Bisi, my first woman pikin, dey always talk am say “all animals are equal but some are more equal than others”. Bisi dey talk am, talk am, talk am sote one day I ask am weda na di only ting wey im teacher dey teach am for dat dia school be dat.

Di ting worry me sote I comot am for dat school for our area Abule Egba, go put am for anoder school for Agege. Still, dis my pikin no dey let person rest for house. Every time e wan cheat im sister Funke, e go talk di same ting say “all animals are equal but some are more equal than others”

One day na im dia mama buy fowl come cook one kind sweet stew like dat for me. I share di fowl meat give dem. Small time Bisi come twist im face like say ant bite am for yansh. I no know say na vex e vex so. Wen I ask am wetin do am, e come ask me why I give am di same size of meat with im small sister. Weda I no know say “all animals are equal but… Tori Olorun!

Who give my small pikin di udacity to talk to im papa like dat? Upon all di orisirisi money I dey pay for im schooll? If e no be toilet paper teacher say make dem bring for school, e go be money for cement block, or money for escort to Ibadan or Kaduna or Enugu. Di escort sef dem no dey ever go. Na only to collect money. Awon Ole!

True, dis ting wey Bisi talk vex me na im I give am one dirty slap. Which kind pikin you be?

I know say dat slap wey I slap am so, im mama no like am. Di kind eye wey my wife Bose take look me, if to say I be small pikin, I for faint. My broda, quick quick, I jump inside my guonguoro and begin go our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge.

As I jus reach garage, one passenger come carry me for drop go Yaba.

Wen we reach Maryland, 3 soja stop me. I tink say dem wan check my particulars. Dem ask me which side I dey go, I tell dem Yaba. Na so dem open door, two of dem jump inside for back seat wey my passenger siddon. One enter front. Dem say na di same Yaba dem dey go. Olorun Oba o!

Wen we reach Yaba, my passenger pay im own money and come down. As di soja dem come down, I say make dem pay dia own money nau. Dem ask me how much, I say na N3,000 for di 3 both of dem.

Di one wey im eye red like person wey jus smoke wee wee ask me weda I no see di ting wey dem wear for body. I say wetin? No be uniform? After all, uniform na clothe and na tailor dey sow am.

I say if dem been wan free motor dem for enter danfo nau. I tell dem say my own na taxi and anybody wey enter am must to pay. After all, all of us na Naija, and we be equal.

I no know say I don spoil show be dat. Quick, quick, 3 of dem bring out dia trouser belt. Dem begin beat me like tief wey dem catch for Central Bank. Dem bundle me inside back seat of my guonguoro.

Di one with red eye enter driver seat. Di order two siddon with me. One hold me for troat, di order one hold me for brokos. Dem beat me sote I begin cry like small pikin.

My broda, I no pray make my enemy sef see di kind ting wey I see for dat soja barrack wey dem bundle me go dat day.

Na dat time I come remember wetin Bisi, my pikin, dey always talk for house. True, true, all animal na equal but some dey more equal dan di order for Naija.

Or wetin una tink?

Make we jam again on Tuesday.

Tank you.

Tank you very much.

And tank you very, very much indeed.

•Credit: Matilda’s Blog.

Update news